I give myself permission to...

Sometimes our conditioning holds us back in ways we might not anticipate. If you went to a school or were brought up in a family where you needed permission to do the things you wanted to do there may be a chance that you’re still waiting for that permission now. There have been so many times in my own life when I’ve waited for permission to do what my true self longed to, things which my soul needed and for which nobody but me was equipped to give permission.

Photo credit Martyn Sanders via Pexels

Coming out as gay, home educating my children and quitting my job to go self employed all felt like things I wasn’t really allowed to do, things that should be sanctioned by a parent or teacher or the state or some other authority figure. If I just went out and did them, who knows what kind of trouble I could get into or how angry the people in charge might get.

The reality is that although none of the above are illegal, all of them could cause trouble in my life, be it marginalisation, interference from the local authority or potential financial insecurity. There’s a feeling that these decisions are a little bit against the rules, not any overt written rules perhaps, but the intrinsic unspoken rules of the culture. That’s the feeling that triggers the frightened inner child parts of us that previously split away from our core self when we did get in trouble as children (or maybe when someone else did) and have vowed to keep us safe from getting told off ever since.

I wonder if you can identify anywhere in your life right now where you’re waiting for permission? Is there something you really want to do that feels a little bit against the rules? It could be anything from dying your hair green to leaving your marriage to take a solo backpacking trip around Europe. What would make you feel like you were allowed to do that? Whose permission do you need?

If it feels safe, identify the part of you that’s holding back until you get permission, spend time with this inner child part of you. Invite it to tell its story and then tell yours, ask it to trust you to do the things you want. This can be a powerful way to help yourself move towards those forbidden ambitions.

Giving yourself permission, taking back your own power and doing away with the need for any extenal permission like this is certainly the most empowering way to get to where you want to be, but there may also be times when someone else’s permission can help. A supportive and trustworthy friend, rather than a scary authority figure can sometimes help here and it’s really important to choose the right person because in the asking we make ourselves vulnerable (also because we want them to say yes!)

When I was almost ready to come out as gay and end my marriage I was desparate for someone’s permission. I remember having semi cryptic conversations in the car with my friend Charlie about not being in the right life and Charlie, who clearly understood exactly what was going on, saying something along the lines of ‘you have my unconditional acceptance whatever you decide’. I can’t remember her exact words but it was something like that and it felt like permission.

I wonder if this kind of permission worked so well for me precisely because Charlie would never have seen it as her role to give or withold permission for anything, her acceptance felt like permission enough. It was a very short time between that conversation and the end of my marriage, the start of living in my truth.

While the ideal is for each of us to be the guardians of our own permission, it’s also ok to acknowledge that we’re social beings and allow ourselves to enlist the support of someone we trust. When chosing to involve someone else in your quest for permission, be sure to chose someone who you know will grant it.

Charlie could never have stopped me from being myself in that situation, had she responded differently I would still have had and used the power to give myself permission but having a loving friend onside made such a huge difference, turning a lonely and difficult situation into a bonding and joyful one. Whatever it is you want permission for (short of violence and cruelty) I hereby grant you it now and if you’d like a little more support as you embark on your new thing, get in touch.

I have free consultation slots available at https://www.healingwomanhood.com/book-online and you can find our tapping to give yourself permission video at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QfaOh8D0Etc