Self worth boost

In this blog I journal my experience of using the Healing Womanhood resources, if you'd like to use them too you can find the link at the end.

This week I definitely felt a bigger shift from the meditation than the tapping, though that may have been because I did the meditation second and it took a bit of effort to break through my resistance to engaging at the beginning.

My first thoughts as I tapped were that I feel ok for worthiness, I don’t really need this, nothing’s going to come up. I’m noticing that this is a pattern for me and that it’s my resistance to dipping into the deep inner work that’s responsible for these thoughts as I always find something does come up when I persist.

After a few times of noticing and gently bringing myself back to the words of the video I connected into my trauma response patterns around a specific situation in my life. When I upset somebody and they pull me up on it, it triggers my sense of shame, my deep worry that I’m a bad person, and I tend to shut down. For a long time my pattern was just to immediately assume they must be right and berate myself for being wrong, but as the pattern starts to shift I’m noticing a new voice inside me that says ‘that wasn’t fair’. It’s such an achievement just to start to hear this voice, learning to express it is the next stage in that journey and while I have become better at expressing it there’s often a delay between what happens and my response and that’s okay.

Moving on to the meditation, when guided to create a room, I noticed that to begin with I was creating a room with my conscious mind, a room from my memory. As I sank deeper it moved and changed of its own accord until I was sitting in a high backed wooden chair with two smaller chairs either side. One was for my part that often dismisses me and the other for my part that feels dismissed. There was a coffee table in the middle and a roaring fire opposite. When I invited my parts in, my dismissive part took the form of an angry grey haired fairly diminutive but very fierce woman in a cleaner’s uniform and my part being dismissed was a toddler.

In the meditation the toddler part has the chance to speak first but mine was clearly in a freeze state and didn’t speak, instead she climbed up in my lap and just wanted to be held and have her hair stroked, taking comfort from the contact. When the dismissive part saw this she was quite shocked by how much she had frightened the toddler but insisted that it was necessary to keep her safe from putting her feelings out into the world, building herself up to be torn down. As I explained to her that I am now ready to feel worthy of my place in the world she replied ‘what makes you so special?’

My true self came back embodying the energy of a queen with ‘my existence’ I was pretty taken aback by this response from within me and the dismissive part seemed knocked back by it too. Though she didn’t quite concede the battle she seemed grudgingly more willing to reconsider her perspective. This is a meditation I’d definitely like to revisit to see how her perspective shifts and changes and I’d love to bring back that queen energy where my self worth is rooted. I’d also love to record a meditation focused just on that queen energy to give us all a boost!

If you’d like to do this week’s tapping and meditation yourself you can find them at patreon.com/healingwomanhood I’d love to know how they go for you.